Season 59 Preview

 THE WEST...Seattle looks like the class of the league and L.A. a solid bet for second.

1st (unanimous)--SEATTLE STAMPEDE (4th last season at 4-6)...Talented, deep roster is the favorite to win it all under rookie head coach Briscoe Darling. The key was adding two-time All-MBA center Poop-Rupiah 3000, a major upgrade over Hooza Goodboi in the pivot. Add forwards Erik A. Crocidale and J.J. "Jake" Pickle and you have an extrordinary front line. Ehhy Table and Sleepy Mel A. Tonin are solid guards. Adding veteran forward Dark Urine gives capable back-up at all three positions. First title since the only one in Season 37?

2nd(unanimous)--LOS ANGELES BIG ONE (1st last season at 8-2)...Lost Hall of Fame guard Vicious Hick but got the prize rookie Braddah Wayne to replace him. Pinky Toe moves to the point for a still-potent back court duo. It's imperative for oft-injured power forward Grand Demur Fuyacho to stay healthy and for defensive-minded Big Blue Bottle to play a solid small forward. Except for guard Donny DuPons, bench is weak.

3rd Dave, 4th Tyler--SACRAMENTO RIVER DOGS (2nd last season at 7-3)...Jack "Guzzler" Masterson must replace retired star Satan Israel in otherwise unchanged lineup. R-Dogs will be tested right out of the gate in the opener against the team they have to beat out for playoffs, Los Angeles. Rabbit Munchers needs to be All-MBA.

4th Dave, 3rd Tyler--GILLETTE HUMPS (3rd last season at 4-6)...Star guard Maboroshi No Hotcake and center Brother Jasper will both score. But 5-7 rookie guard Officer Poundcake plays no D, and who starts at forward with Zach Zigler?

Last (unanimous)--SAN JOSE FIGHTING AMIGOS (Last last season at 2-8)...Added promising forward Waialua Blobtop to ancient lineup.

THE EAST...Playoff picks are surprisingly unanimous, with defending champs dropping down. Last-minute trade could be key for Oklahoma City.

1st Dave, 2nd Tyler--DALLAS DEMONS (2nd last season8-2)...Surprisingly the top pick in the East despite losing All-MBA center Poop-Rupiah 3000. The roster appears less talented than last season, but they still have Hall of Famer Juzan Djinn and Mini Carfartt at guards to lead the way. Djinn, in 10th season, and coming off best scoring campaign, will have to shine brighter than ever. Forwards Nick Kenpoop and Venial Sinn are solid, if not stars. Veteran St. Ides takes over in the pivot.

1st Tyler, 2nd Dave-- OKLAHOMA CITY LARIATS (3rd last season at 4-6) ...Replaced half the roster since last season, adding promising rookie guard Shelly Bogturtle and Harry "Big Stink" Merdaio at center to the starting lineup. The rental trade of Merdaio is huge for the Lariats, especially if last season's Rookie of the Year Bonafazio Spegatini matches or exceeds last season's production. Can Oklahoma City beat out Philly and Milwaukee for playoffs?

3rd Dave, 4th Tyler PHILADELPHIA PHOBIA (MBA champs last season at 9-1)...Retirement of leading scorer Itstha Bishop at two guard leaves gaping hole for champs who still have two of the league's best players in last season's MVP Leonard Pinth Garnel at forward and Blob Dylan at center.

4th (D picked them last, T picked them 3rd) MILWAUKEE GREYHOUNDS (last at 1-9 last season)... Guard combo of Hall of Famer Vicious Hick and Famichiki Whiskey will be exciging.

Last Tyler, 4th Dave CHARLESTON MOUNTAINEERS (4th last season at 3-7)...Not much hope.

The only TRADE this season....Oklahoma City traded its first pick (protected) in next season's draft to Philly for a one-season rental of their backup center Harry Merdaio, who returns to Philly after this season assuming he does not retire. Protected pick means that if the Oklahoma City first pick is a prime pick, Philly then gets Oklahoma City's second pick.

ALL-MBA PREDICTIONS

Dave

Guard...Pinky Toe, Los Angeles

Guard...Braddah Wayne, Los Angeles

Center...Poop-Rupiah 3000, Seattle

Forward...Leonard Pinth Garnel, Philadelphia

Forward...J.J. "Jake" Pickle, Seattle

Tyler

Guard...Pinky Toe, Los Angeles

Guard...Maboroshi No Hotcake, Gillette

Center...Poop-Rupiah 3000, Seattle

Forward...Leonard Pinth Garnel, Philadelphia

Forward...Erik A. Crocidale, Seattle

LEAGUE MVP...Pinky Toe, Los Angeles (unanimous)

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

Dave--Braddah Wayne, Los Angeles guard

Tyler--Shelly Bogturtle, Oklahoma City guard

NEXT UP: The opening game of Season 59...Sacramento at Los Angeles...some might say a must win right out of the gate for the River Dogs.

Season 59 Improvements/Regressions

 IMPACTFUL IMPROVEMENTS IN THE CUT PILE

-- Third-year 6-5 forward COUNT SACKULA is the only real player worth reporting on in the cut pile. Already a defensive specialist against the shot, Sackula got better against the pass (+2) and the run(+2) while adding a good on 9 down low. His only miss down low is now on 5.

IMPACTFUL IMPROVEMENTS

-- Fourth-year 6-10 Charleston forward BIG BEN PETTIS...improved on both offensive rebounding (15) and defensive rebounding (10) which will likely earn him a starting spot on the Mountaineers.

-- Third-year 6-2 Seattle shooting guard "SLEEPY" MEL A. TONIN...went from a 6 passer to a 7 passer.

--Third-year 6-6 Seattle forward J.J. "JAKE" PICKLE...improved his dribbling to a 6 and defense against the dribble twice to a 3.

-- Second-year 6-5 Oklahoma City shooting guard BONAFAZIO SPEGATINI, last season's Rookie of the Year and top Lariats' scorer at 18 ppg, will take more medium jump shots as he improved his tendency to shoot in that area to a 4-6. That's huge for one of the top medium shots in the game.

-- Fourth-year 6-2 Gillette point guard MABOROSHI NO HOTCAKE, one of the MBA's top 3-point shooters became a 7 dribbler and filled in "the box" in his 3-point column, getting a good on 7. He now has goods on 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 11 (a swish).

--Sixth-year 6-8 Dallas forward VENIAL SINN...improved by one on both defensive boards (14) and offensive board (9) while upping his speed from slow to medium.

-- Sixth-year 6-8 Sacramento forward MORDLE SINN, twin brother of the above-mentioned Venial Sinn...also improved in both of his rebounding areas...he's a 13 on defensive boards and 5 on offensive boards. But his big improvement was filling in "the box" on his 3-point shot, which he has a 5-6 tendency to take and has made at over a 50 percent clip the past three seasons.

-- Third-year 6-9 Sacramento power forward JACK "GUZZLER" MASTERSON improved his tendency to take short jump shots (his best zone) while adding to his offensive rebounding (now a 9) and improving his free throwing.

-- Fourth-year 7-1 Los Angeles center OTZI "THE FROZEN HUNTER" BOLZANO...is sure to get more steals after improving his ability against the dribble from a 2 to a 4. Also upped his speed from medium to fast.

-- Seventh-year 6-11 Philadelphia center BLOB DYLAN, already a defensive maestro, improved against the pass to a 3 while upping his passing rating from a 5 to a 6 after completing his best assist season last campaign.

REGRESSIONS WORTH NOTING

-- 13th-year 5-11 San Jose point guard JOE MOMSAWHORE loses his only positive move against the shot (a deny on 11) and goes from a 1 to a 0 against the pass. Plus, he's now slow.

-- 19th-year 6-8 San Jose forward AL A. ORDEN gets worse in passing (now a 5), offensive rebounding (now a 6) and against the dribble (now a 1).

-- 10th-year6-2 Dallas Hall of Fame guard JUZAN DJINN decreased his tendency to shoot in the medium zone (where he is excellent), lost a dribbling point (now a 6) sand is now a 0 against the dribble. Having said that, this decline in ability still leaves him with one of the best cards in the game.

Season 59 MBA Draft

 TYLER TEAMS DOMINATE

At the risk of sounding like a sour grapes assessment, Tyler's teams once again defied the odds and crushed Dave teams in this very talented MBA draft. 

There were five franchise-changing players in the draft, and Dave teams were unable to claim even one of them. 

-- Juzan Djinn, arguably the greatest player the league has ever produced, went back to the Dallas franchise. This is the second time Djinn has been a free agent draft pick and has returned to the Demons. It is all the more unbelievable because it was the only pick Dallas had...a number 9 random pick.

-- All-MBA guard Pinky Toe, last season's league scoring leader, returned to his Los Angeles team. Toe was out there for the taking until the 18th pick, a random pick, when The Big One finally re-claimed him.

-- Hall of Fame guard Vicious Hick was claimed by Milwaukee with the 11th overall pick (the third prime pick). 

-- The top rookie prospect, multi-talented guard Braddah Wayne, went to Los Angeles with the 8th overall pick (the second prime pick), giving L.A. a potent one-two punch at guard again after two seasons of Pinky Toe and Vicious Hick.

-- All-MBA center Poop-Rupiah 3000 went unclaimed until the 24th pick (there were 26 picks total), when he went randomly to Seattle, seemingly setting the Stampede up for a serious championship run.

He was one of three players left in the draft, with Seattle getting the first random pick and Dave teams lined up for the next two in a row. That meant that if 3000 did not go randomly to Seattle, he would have to go to either Oklahoma City or Gillette. So the odds were seemingly with the Dave teams. Well...bang...Seatle landed him

Dave teams, shut out totally as far as the top draftees are concerned, managed to add some talent to their squads, but paled in comparison to the selections described above. For example, Dave teams got what might be considered the next five best players after the top five, and in a very talented draft, that was some consolation.

Bad luck plagued Dave teams throughout. One of the worst examples was Sacramento, which was the only team in the draft to hold two prime picks, coming away with two bottom-of-the-barrel rookies, guard Penile Blood and forward Gokie Throat. 

Random selections for Dave teams failed to land any of the top five players, and the prime picks (determined by rolling a 1 or 6 once a player is named by the team doing the drafting) averaged 4.7 rolls of the dice for Dave teams compared to 3.5 rolls for Tyler teams.

RATING THE DRAFT BY TEAMS

Milwaukee...B+

Added superstar Hick, who will team with Famichiki Whiskey for a superb scoring guard duo. Also added Joey "Joe Joe" Shamadu, Jr. as an excellent backup guard.

San Jose...C+

Nabbed top rookie forward Waialua Blobtop to its crumbling, ancient roster.

Charleston ... C-

No apparent starters added, but rookie center Jizz Drizzler gives Mountaineers some flexibility as a defensive stopper who could surprise as a scorer. Their first pick, rookie center Curtis E. Flush is solid, but redundant in this instance.

Seattle...A

Big upgrade at the center position with All-MBA Poop-Rupiah 3000 unseating Hooza Goodboi. Veteran forward Dark Urine and rookie forward Ryan Burner will see action due to starters Erik A. Crocidale and J.J. Pickle's tendency to foul.

Oklahoma City...B

Rookie guards Shelly Bogturtle and Super Daddy Pancakes will likely push league steals leader Oblio Assbag to the back of the rotation. 7-1 rookie center Bobby "the Squirrel" Diggenbury is the projected starter by default, but lacks any virtues besides being an animal on the boards.

Gillette...C

The draft got them the smallest player in league history, 5-7 guard Officer Poundcake, who will likely replace Seeyalater Scronto in the starting lineup. Poundcake can pass and shoot but plays no defense and will get very few boards.

Sacramento...C+

None of their three picks are projected starters, but rookie guard Bygones B. Bygones looks like a very capable backup when Rabbit Munchers and Bellybutton Inquisition have to sit. They needed some help in the front court and got none.

Los Angeles ...A+

You can't get much better in a draft when your only two picks both have Hall of Fame potential. Guard Pinky Toe led the league in scoring and returned to the team while rookie guard Braddah Wayne, a 6-7 gem, was the prize of the rookies. 

Dallas...A

Amazingly, the Demons were again able to lure the great Juzan Djinn back into the fold for the second time. And they did so with their only pick; a random one.

Philadelphia...C

Neither of the forwards they picked with their two picks will crack the starting lineup for the champs. The Phobia needed to replace top scorer Itstha Bishop at guard, but didn't.

NEXT UP: Player improvements and regressions.