Season 57 Retirements announced

Fourteen MBA players announced their retirements, which will take place at the end of this 57th season.

The hardest hit team was the five-time-defending champion Dallas Demons; the only team to lose two starters and the only club to lose a Hall of Fame player. Forward Pete "the Steakman" Marzano is the Hall of Famer and stalwart center Biggus Dickus is the other player who will be leaving the starting lineup of the Dallas dynasty.

Five other teams lost one starter, with only Charleston (2 players lost total) joining Dallas as the other team to lose more than one player. 

Sacramento and Gillette lost one reserve player each.

Two teams did not lose a single player. Those two were Milwaukee and San Jose. The Fighting Amigos, despite having six players up for retirement, including four starters, managed to make it through the process with no players retiring.

Four of the teams will be losing starting point guards (Charleston, Philadelphia, Oklahoma City, Seattle), two are losing solid centers (Dallas and Los Angeles) with only Dallas losing a starting forward.

Cut Pile retirees saw just four out of the 23 possible who were candidates hang it up. All four are forwards. Unless they are picked up by someone due to injury before this season is over, both Ichie Boobies and Mic Mack Moose will have spent their entire "careers" in the cut pile, each languishing for eight seasons.
 

Season 57 Featured Game No. 4...Dallas at Philadelphia

DALLAS 67, PHILADELPHIA 64

DEMONS IN A SQUEAKER

PHILADELPHIA -- This 12th win in a row for Dallas (now 4-0) was the closest the five-time defending champions have had in their long victory streak, with defense ruling the day for both team in a 67-64 triumph against Philadelphia (now 2-2).

PLAYER OF THE GAME

32 GVP...Philadelphia small forward PHILLIP MIANUS is having a career season, as demonstrated by this performance where he captured his second POG of the campaign while dominating Hall of Famer Pete "the Steakman" Marzano. Mianus went right at Marzano and his tough defense, scoring a team-high 22 points while continuing to lead the league in rebounding with 7 per contest, the number of game-high caroms he coralled in this contest. Additionally, he prevented the second-most points in the game with 7, blocked 2 shots and handed out 1 assist. He was 10 for 15 from the field (0 for 1 from deep and 2 for 4 from the foul line). Known more for his defense, Mianus is the leading scorer on this Philly team, which has struggled to put points on the board. He is averaging a career-best 15.8 ppg at the moment.

Other 20-plus performers

29 GVP...Dallas point guard Mini Carfartt...24 points...3 rebounds...2 assists. 

27 GVP...Philadelphia substitute guard Tut "the Pharoah" Ankhamun...18 points (3 treys)...4 rebounds...4 assists...1 steal.

24 GVP...Dallas center Biggus Dickus...13 points...4 rebounds...4 blocked shots...2 steals...1 assist.

Points prevented by quarters

Dallas...4...6...2...4  Total=16

Philly...2...6...11...0  Total-19

Tops in points prevented

1. Biggus Dickus, Dallas 8

2. Phillip Mianus, Philly  7

3. Leonard Pinth Garnel 6

MBA Standings … Season 57

EAST DIVISION

DALLAS…………………4-0

PHILADELPHIA………2-2

MILWAUKEE………..2-2

CHARLESTON……….2-2

OKLAHOMA CITY…..1-2

 

WEST DIVISION

SEATTLE………….3-0

LOS ANGELES….2-1

GILLETTE…………1-2

SACRAMENTO… 0-3

SAN JOSE…………0-3

NEXT UP: Another battle between the top two teams in their division…this time the West, as Los Angeles (minus superstar Vicious Hick) and unbeaten Seattle (minus two guard Hilbee Juggleboy). Seattle won the previous meeting this season in the closest finish of any contest this season, 76-75, with Pinky Toe as the POG for The Big One with a 31-point performance.

Season 57 Featured Game No. 3...Charleston at Philadelphia

CHARLESTON 95, PHILADELPHIA 70 (Slaughter Rule Enforced)

MOUNTAINEERS POUND PHOBIA

PHILADELPHIA -- Charleston's starting guards went off for a combined 53 points as the visiting Mountaineers (now 2-1) routed the previously unbeaten Philadelphia Phobia 95-70. Philly is now also 2-1.

Philadelphia came into the game allowing a stingy league-best 54 points per contest in the young season, but Charleston bombed away from deep with 9 of 18 treys in a game they never trailed. The victory by the Mountaineers evened the series between the two teams, with Philly having edged Charleston 69-64 in their previous meeting.

PLAYER OF THE GAME

36 GVP...After his running mate, Famichiki Whiskey, starred in the first half, Charleston point guard KOPI LUWAK exploded in the second half, scoring 12 points in the third quarter to put the game way out of reach for Philadelphia. The 6-2 long-range specialist bombed in 6 treys in 8 attempts from deep, going 11 for 16 from the field and 2 for 2 from the foul line for a game-high 30 points. The sixth-year star added 6 rebounds in this important win.

Other 20-plus GVP performers

31 GVP...Philadelphia small forward Phillip Mianus...2nd career triple-double...16 points...7 rebounds...7 blocked shots...1 assist.

27 GVP...Charleston shooting guard Famichiki Whiskey...23 points (3 treys)...2 rebounds...2 assists.

24 GVP...Charleston center Flatfoot Floogie...12 points...7 rebounds...4 assists...1 steal.

21 GVP...Philadelphia center Blob Dylan...17 poinrs...3 rebounds...1 assist

20 GVP...Philadelphia point guard Flufferton Springs...16 points...2 rebounds...2 assists.

POINTS PREVENTED

Charleston...12

Philadelphia...8

TOPS IN POINTS PREVENTED

Fudge Pies Deli, Charleston...6

7 tied with 2

MBA Standings … Season 57

EAST DIVISION

DALLAS…………………2-0

PHILADELPHIA………2-1

CHARLESTON……….2-1

OKLAHOMA CITY…..1-2

MILWAUKEE………..1-2

 

WEST DIVISION

SEATTLE………….3-0

LOS ANGELES….2-1

GILLETTE…………1-2

SAN JOSE…………0-2

SACRAMENTO… 0-3

NEXT UP:  Expect a massacre as Dallas, now in first place in the East, takes on the old, rickety lineup of win-less San Jose in a cross-over to conclude bracket number 3.

Season 57 Featured Game 2...Seattle at Los Angeles...PLUS BONUS

 

SEATTLE 76, LOS ANGELES 75

SEATTLE RUINS L.A. HOME OPENER

LOS ANGELES -- The Seattle Stampede ambushed the Los Angeles Big One on the latter's home court, 76-75 in a pulse-pounding victory to take early possession of first place in the West. The win for Seattle came despite a combined 49-point performance by the L.A. guard tandem of Vicious Hick and Pinky Toe.

The winning bucket came on a tip-in with 5 ticks left by 7-1, second-year Stampede center Hooza Goodboi after a frenzied fourth quarter that saw 6 lead changes and an early 9 point burst by the home team that put them back into the game.

The Seattle victory comes on the heels of its 108-point opening game win against San Jose and is a clarion call for the rest of the MBA that the Stampede is a team worth watching in Season 57. 

PLAYER OF THE GAME

35 GVP...Fourth-year shooting guard PINKY TOE of Los Angeles shrugged off the tough defense of Seattle's Hilbee Juggleboy and registered a game-high 31 points in a tough loss to the visiting Stampede. Toe, who scored the first 10 points of the game for L.A.,  used all four scoring zones to accumulate his points, going 13 for 21 from the floor, including 3 for 8 from deep. He was 2 for 4 from the foul line. The 6-2 star added 2 rebounds, 1 assist and a steal. Two games into the season, Toe is averaging 26 points per game.

Other 20-plus GVP performers

27 GVP...Los Angeles point guard Vicious Hick...18 points (4 treys)...6 rebounds...3 assists.

25 GVP...Seattle center Hooza Goodboi...16 points (3 slams)...7 rebounds...1 steal...1 assist.

23 GVP...Seattle rookie forward J.J. "Jake" Pickle...11 points...5 blocks...4 rebounds...2 assists...1 steal

22 GVP...Seattle power forward Erik A. Crocidale...18 points (4 slams)...2 rebounds...1 steal...1 assist.

21 GVP...Seattle point guard King Czardines...13 points...6 assists...1 steal...1 rebound.

MBA Standings … Season 57

EAST DIVISION

MILWAUKEE………..1-0

PHILADELPHIA………1-0

DALLAS…………………1-0

CHARLESTON………. 0-1

OKLAHOMA CITY…..0-1

 

WEST DIVISION

SEATTLE………….2-0

LOS ANGELES….1-1

GILLETTE…………1-1

SACRAMENTO… 0-1

SAN JOSE…………0-2

NEXT UP: Dallas goes for consecutive win number 10 dating back to last season as it travels to Oklahoma City.

BONUS

HALL OF FAMERS WHO NEVER WON A CHAMPIONSHIP

Usually, if you get a Hall of Fame player on a roster, a title eventually follows that player.

Almost 89 percent of the current 62 members of the MBA Hall of Fame have won championships, meaning that just 7 were never able to have a championship ring affixed to their cards.

 

Four of that number, including one active player, are centers. Read into that what you will.

 

The four centers are:

Diamond Dallas Paige

Big Bill Rustler

Tom “the Bomb” Kondla

and the currently active Chochky Galumpkus

 

The other three are:

Gato Do Mato, a forward

Soul Duran, a guard

Silo Chamberlain, a guard

 

Paige, a six-time All MBA center In seven seasons, was a two-time scoring champ who set the single-season rebound mark for 8 per game in his final campaign in Season 18. He presided over three 9-1 teams, an 8-2 team and a 10-0 club in his last season. The Lariats finished first five of his seven seasons, and his teams went to the Finals three times but never won it. Seasons 13 and 14 saw Paige suffer injuries that took him out of the playoffs both campaigns. Snakebit.

 

Rustler, an MBA original, captured three MVP awards, including MVP of the Season 10 playoffs for Seattle. But he was defeated by Houston in the Finals. His first 8 seasons were with Charleston, which went to the post-season 6 times, including Season 8 when Big Bill won his second MVP in a row. Philly won it that season.

 

Kondla played for four franchises in his six short seasons. He went to the Finals as a rookie in Season 28 with Seattle (lost to Dallas) but never got that close to a ring again.

 

Do Mato’s Milwaukee teams finished first twice in his three seasons there, reaching the Finals in Season 32 where they lost to Philly. Four more seasons in San Jose netted two more playoffs but no rings.

 

Duran, who played six seasons for two franchises and led his team in scoring in every one of those campaigns, got to two Finals with Houston but was thwarted by Milwaukee in his rookie season of Season 3 and Philadelphia in Season 5.

 

5-10 Chamberlain, the first MVP in MBA history, spent all six of his seasons with Charleston, where the team went to four playoffs but were constantly blocked by the two powers of the time, Philadelphia and Milwaukee.

 

Meanwhile, Galumpkus, who has toiled valiantly in the post for Oklahoma City (two stints, three seasons each), Dallas (three seasons), Seattle (two seasons), made it to the Finals two consecutive times with the Lariats in Seasons 54 and 55 where they were slapped down by the current Dallas dynasty. He’s now in San Jose for his 12^th season, where this is next to no hope of sniffing a ring.

Season 57 Featured Game 1

DALLAS 92, GILLETTE 72

CHAMPS OUT OF THE GATE FAST

DALLAS -- Hall of Fame great Juzan Djinn swished a 3-point shot on the first time unit of Season 57, setting off a slaughter rule, 92-72 win over visiting Gillette in the cross-over opener.

Mighty Dallas then rode its 13-point first-quarter lead to its ninth consecutive victory dating back to last season, including its 5-0 playoff run.

PLAYER OF THE GAME

35 GVP...Tied for fifth place all time in MBA award rankings, eighth-year Hall of Famer JUZAN DJINN kicked off the new campaign in style as he assaults Curly Hogbottom's No. 1 position at the top of the pyramid. Fresh off his third Playoff MVP honor, this monster guard delivered a game-high 26 points, led everyone in assists with 4 and tied for most blocked shots with 4. Additionally, this two-way star posted the best numbers in points prevented with 8, blocking a pair of 3-pointers by the man he dominated, Joey Shamadu, Jr. The 6-2 Djinn was 10 for 15 from the floor, splashing home a trio of treys in 5 deep attempts while going 3 for 3 from the foul line. His 15 first-quarter points shot the Demons into the lead. Dallas fans showed their appreciation for Djinn throughout the contest, giving the man who almost got away via free agency a rousing ovation when he was removed from the game halfway into the last quarter.

Other 20-plus GVP performers

31 GVP...Gillette point guard Maboroshi No Hotcake...25 points (5 for 5 from deep)...3 rebounds...3 assists.

23 GVP...Dallas center Biggus Dickus...18 points...3 rebounds...2 assists.

21 GVP...Gillette power forward Grand Demur Fuyacho...12 points...4 rebounds...4 blocks...1 assist.

POINTS PREVENTED

Gillette...6

Dallas....14

TOP POINT PREVENTERS

Juzan Djinn, Dallas...8

Pete Marzano, Dallas 4

 

MBA Standings … Season 57

EAST DIVISION

DALLAS…………………1-0

MILWAUKEE………..

OKLAHOMA CITY…..

PHILADELPHIA………

CHARLESTON……….

WEST DIVISION

SAN JOSE…………

LOS ANGELES….

SEATTLE………….

SACRAMENTO…

GILLETTE…………0-1

 

NEXT UP:.Los Angeles and its new superstar Vicious Hick, favored to win the West, travel to Sacramento where the R-Dogs hope to improve on their last-place effort of last season.

Season 57 MBA Preview and Predictions

 Demons ... but less dominant

The East 

Last season ... Dallas 8-2, Milwaukee 6-4, Oklahoma City 4-6, Philadelphia 4-6, Charleston 3-7. 

1. DALLAS DEMONS (unanimous): They lose the league MVP Vicious Hick to free agency, add nobody of note, but are still favored to win not only the East, but the whole ball of wax for a record six consecutive titles. They still have Hall of Fame guard Juzan Djinn, who returned to the team from free agency and the MBA's newest Hall of Famer, forward Pete "the Steakman" Marzano, as well as rock-solid center Biggus Dickus. Third-year guard Mini Carfartt will replace Hick at the point. Great team depth too.

2. PHILADELPHIA PHOBIA (T-2nd, D-3rd): Addition of free agent center Blob Dylan gives Philly outrageous defensive front line as he joins forwards Leonard Pinth-Garnel and Phillip Mianus. Rookie guard Mel A. Tonin pairs with veteran Flufferton Springs, a small combo that could be tested by opposing shooters and rebounders. Weak bench, but could be enough to end five-season playoff drought.

3. OKLAHOMA CITY LARIATS (T-4th, D-2nd): Traded top-scorer and franchise mainstay King Czardines, replacing him at point with dependable Bellybutton Inquisition while adding veteran power forward defender Kevin Duran-Duran. All-MBA  center Poop-Rupiah 3000 has upped his passing game.

4. CHARLESTON MOUNTAINEERS (T-4th, D-3rd): Loss of fine second-year power forward  Grand Demur Fuyacho to free agency makes league's youngest lineup less talented. But they could surprise behind new head coach Curly Hogbottom.

5. MILWAUKEE GREYHOUNDS (unanimous): Lost center Johnny Bananas with bad rookie replacements. 

The West 

Last season...San Jose 8-2, Gillette 6-4, Los Angeles 6-4, Seattle 4-6, Sacramento 1-9

1. LOS ANGELES BIG ONE (unanimous): Getting MVP Vicious Hick in free agency makes L.A. the West favorite. Also gained potential Rookie of the Year in forward Rumpy Pumpy Lewis and San Jose hotshot guard Donny Dupons, who will come off the bench behind team MVP Pinky Toe. The Toe-Hick guard combo is now the top backcourt in the MBA. Chat Bot has the potential to improve on his 8th place GVP finish among centers. And Big Blue Bottle is a better passer at forward. 

2. GILLETTE HUMPS (T-2nd, D-3rd): Lost top player in franchise history, Blob Dylan, to free agency, but got pair of tough free agents in second-year forward Grand Demur Fuyacho and center Brother Jasper, the latter a proven scorer in the post. They will miss defense of Lefty Scavenger at guard, but backcourt combo of Maboroshi No Hotcake and Joey "Joe Joe" Shamadu, Jr. will score big.

3. SEATTLE STAMPEDE (T-4th, D-2nd): Big trade and draft changed roster 60 percent from last season. Youngsters Hooza Goodboi at center and rookie J.J. "Jake" Pickle at forward are untested but talent-laden. King Czardines at the point brings passing and scoring magic. Should contend for playoffs.

4. SACRAMENTO RIVER DOGS (T-4th, D-3rd): Free agent point guard Rabbit Munchers is the only newcomer to last season's bottom feeders. He has the greenlight to bomb away for the R-Dogs.

5. SAN JOSE FIGHTING AMIGOS (unanimous): Oldest starting lineup in MBA history will gasp to finish last.

INDIVIDUAL AWARD PREDICTIONS

MVP -- Hall of Fame guard Juzan Djinn (unanimous)

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR -- J.J. "Jake" Pickle, Seattle forward (unanimous)

ALL MBA FIRST TEAM

Guard--Vicious Hick, Los Angeles (unanimous)

Guard--Hall of Famer Juzan Djinn, Dallas (unanimous)

Center--Poop-Rupiah 3000, Gillette (Dave) or Hall of Famer Chochky Galumpkus, San Jose (Tyler)

Forwards--Satan Israel, Gillette (Dave), Eddie "the Milkman" Creamer, San Jose (Dave), Erik A. Crocidale, Seattle (Tyler), Hall of Famer Pete "the Steakman" Marzano, Dallas (Tyler) 

4 ACTIVE HALL OF FAMERS THIS SEASON...most in a while

21 awards...Juzan  Djinn, Dallas

13 awards...Crentis Dentist, Seattle

10 awards...Chochky Galumpkus, San Jose

10 awards...Pete "the Steakmam" Marzano, Dallas

ON THE VERGE OF THE HALL

9 awards...Vicious Hick, Los Angeles

8 awards...Biggus Dickus, Dallas

8 awards...Al A. Orden, San Jose

8 awards...Satan Israel, Sacramento

8 awards...Kopi Luwak, Charleston

8 awards...Eddie "the Milkman" Creamer

6 awards...Johnny Bananas, Oklahoma City

6 awards...Piping Plover, Charleston

5 awards...Blob Dylan, Philadelphia

5 awards...Flufferton Springs, Philadelphia

5 awards...King Czardines, Seattle

5 awards...Pinky Toe, Los Angeles

10 OR MORE SEASOMS

17...Al A. Orden, Sam Jose

15...Hurricane Furrwizard, Dallas

14...Chai Walla (cut pile)

13...Eddie "the Milkman" Creamer, San Jose (all with Amigos)

12...Chochky Galumpkus, San Jose

12...F.P. Pompeo (cut pile)

12...Ray "Big Ticket" Matuzzi (cut pile)

12...Nicholas Pickles (cut pile)

11...Tootie Heathcliffe (cut pile)

11...Joe Momsawhore, San Jose

11..Josepah Gecan, San Jose

NOTE: 5 of the 6 actives are on San Jose...4 of them start

THE DEAN OF COACHES IS AXED

After 39 seasons, Bill Rustler is being replaced by

Curly Hogbottom for Charleston 

His record was 210-180 (.538) in regular season 

9 division titles

5 championships (the only 5 in Charleston history)

with titles in Seasons 26, 27, 36, 39 and 42

15 post seasons

10 Finals

42-32 postseason record .568

252-212 combined .543

NEXT UP: Season 57 gets started with a featured

game...a cross-over hosted by five-time defending

champion Dallas against the team they beat 

handily in last season's playoff Semifinals,

the Gillette Humps. 

---

Season 57 Improvements/Regressions...Cut Pile Draft...A Big trade

NOTEWORTHY IMPROVEMENTS

SACRAMENTO -- Veteran star power forward and team MVP Satan Israel loses a foul on 6, meaning he won't be coming off the court as much with foul trouble.

PHILADELPHIA -- Power forward Leonard Pinth Garnel, one of the best passing forwards in the league and the top assist man for Phobia last season improves from a 7 to an 8 passer. And backup free agent center Harry "Big Stink" Merdaio improved three times, twice against the dribble while adding a big deny shot on 7 against the shot. Those improvements, plus the addition of free agent center Blob Dylan, led to the cutting of last season's top scorer and top rebounder, center Brother Jasper, who was immediately scooped up by Gillette to be their starter.

SEATTLE -- Guard Hilbee Juggleboy improves his passing froma 4 to a 5.

OKLAHOMA CITY -- All-MBA center Poop-Rupiah 3000 improves his passing from a 4 to a 5.

LOS ANGELES -- Forward Big Blue Bottle improves his passing skills twice, going from a 4 to a 6 and also improves against the dribble on defense from a 2 to a 3.

MILWAUKEE -- Both forwards, who were a key to a surprising playoff appearance last season, get strong improvements. Zippy Wunderslug ups his passing game from a 4 to a 5 and is now a 5 on defense against the pass, which will mean some steals will come his way. Fellow forward Scobee Bryant, who led the league in free throwing last season with a perfect 14 for 14, made his free-throw ability even better.

DALLAS -- Third-year guard Mini Carfartt, who will replace departed superstar Vicious Hick as the starting point guard, improved his passing ability from a 5 to a 6. 

NOTEWORTHY REGRESSIONS

PHILADELPHIA -- Team MVP, small forward Phillip Mianus, got worse against both the dribble and the pass, becoming a zero at the latter. 

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Veteran two guard Ol' Roy lost on-the-ball defensive abilities against both the dribble and the pass, resulting in a zero on the latter skill. And Hall of Fame forward Crentis Dentist took some four big hits, losing 2 points against the pass, downgrading his forced miss on 8 against the shot to a deny and cutting back on his tendency to take a short shot. He was immediately traded (see below). 

NOTEWORTHY CUT PILE DRAFT ADDITIONS

GILLETTE -- Desperate for a center, the Humps were able to grab Philadelphia's starting center Brother Jasper, who was the Phobia's top scorer and rebounder (see Philly improvements above). 

SAN JOSE -- Decimated by retirements and free agent wanderings, the Fighting Amigos snagged guard Old Man Mahoffer, who was immediately assigned to the two guard in the starting lineup. 

THE BIG TRADE

Only one trade so far, but it was a doozy.

Oklahoma City sent longtime star point guard and their top scorer King Czardines, along with Hall of Fame forward Crentis Dentist and promising second-year 7-1 backup center Hooza Goodboi to Seattle.

Seattle, in turn, sent the Lariats their longtime point guard Bellybutton Inquisition, veteran defensive power forward Kevin Duran-Duran and rookie forward Count Sackula.

Inquisition and Duran-Duran will be starters for Oklahoma City.

Czardines will man the point for the Stampede, but at this point it's unclear whether Goodboi or perennial backup Laughing Boy Lasso will start in the middle. Similarly, it's unknown whether Dentist will be starting at small forward or the number 1 rated rookie forward J.J. Pickle will beat the Hall of Famer out for the job.

FINAL NOTE: Only two of the 16 rookies...guards Mr. Poodie and Pete Gushi failed to make an MBA roster.