Season 56 MBA Draft

LOS ANGELES

Looks like they improved enough to get out of the cellar, drafting two veteran starters in guard Dick Papers and small forward Turk Attaturk. Rookie center Otzi Bolzano seems like a capable backup.

MILWAUKEE

Improved slightly with addition of veteran forward Scobee Bryant. Getting two-time, but often-injured All-MBA center Johnny Bananas will help offensively, but he will be replacing Hall of Fame center J.J. Gargantuan, who was the best defender on a team that finished last in defense.

SACRAMENTO

League's worst offensive team lost top scorer Karma Chameleon but picked up Dallas mainstay Satan Israel at forward. Rookies Shtoink (guard) and Mac Arnold (forward) seem capable but don't appear to be difference makers. Rookie center Xandiloquence Bizarre the Ab3rd is an okay backup. 

PHILADELPHIA

Got solid third-year man Leonard Pinth Garnel back, who will pair with free agent Phillip Mianus for a strong defensive forward tandem. Did not address the loss of retired two guard Splash Gordon and thus appear to be worse than last season's 5-5 club.

OKLAHOMA CITY

Their biggest get was the massive and highly rated rookie center Hooza Goodboi. But he will be sitting behind last season's team MVP and league Rookie of the Year Poop-Rupiah 3000. They still have holes at forward and two guard, so three seasons of playoff contention seem to have come to an end.

GILLETTE

Needed a starting forward and drafted three guards. Reliable scoring guard Joey "Joe-Joe" Shamadu Jr. returns to the fold after testing free agency waters, but he may be replaced by rookie guard Maboroshi No Hotcake, who can match him in long-range shooting but is a better rebounder for a team that sucked in rebounding last season.

SAN JOSE

Surprise playoff team from last season addressed their need for a rim-protecting center by snagging ancient but still effective free agent Hall of Famer J.J. Gargantuan. Longtime Oklahoma City starter, guard Handsy Joe Potatoe adds depth to starting guard tandem. Small forward position, as of now, will be filled by someone from the cut pile draft. 

SEATTLE

Retirement of forward Frog Morton will change the dynamic of the Stampede's starting lineup, as neither rookie forwards Zuzus Petals or Ken L. Koff (cut) will fill that gap. Picked up a real scorer in free-agent guard Karma Chameleon, who was Sacramento's top point-getter and team MVP. It will be interesting to see if he replaces Hilbee Juggleboy in the starting lineup. Seattle made their bones on defense last season and Juggleboy was one of their toughest defenders.

CHARLESTON

He lasted until the 29th pick in the draft, and when the next big thing, rookie guard Famichiki Whiskey was finally snagged by the Mountaineers it made last season's finalists a stronger contender to four-time champion Dallas.  Whiskey can fill it up and also plays superb defense at the two guard spot. Paired with Kopi Luwak at guard, he gives Charleston a potent offensive backcourt. Rookie guard Skibidi Hooper adds solid depth and even more defense coming off the bench. Superb draft for having just two picks.

DALLAS

Despite losing longtime starting power forward Satan Israel to free agency, the four-time title defenders are still the team to beat. They picked up the top rookie forward, 6-10 Grand Demur Fuyacho with their first prime pick. He will fight for the starting spot left vacant by Israel with Venial Sinn. Dallas also added rookie guard Wrinkly Tinkyly Toe, brother of star L.A. guard Pinky Toe. Though not a standout like his bro, this Toe adds more depth to a deep Dallas bunch. The Demons first pick from the Charleston trade for Kopi Luwak was negligible. Rookie forward Big Ben Pettis was cut, and later picked up by Charleston.

Note...just four rookies of the 16 did not make a team this season.

NEXT UP

The Rookie Game this season will pit the newcomers against the Cut Pile.

The Cut Pile boys will be:

Starters...

Guard Bobby Blumpkin

Guard Itsaka Numdrum

Center Harry "Big Stink" Merdaio

Forward Spastic Colin

Forward Idna "The Lazax" Valsid

Subs...

Guard Old Man Mahoffer

Guard Swifty Twitch

Forward Ed "Horsehead" Henderson

Forward Ichie Boobies

Center Dave "Uncle Dunk" Tesh

The rookies squad, based on Tyler's rankings, will be

Starters...

Guard Maboroshi No Hotcake of Gillette

Guard Famichiki Whiskey of Charleston

Center Hooza Goodboi of Oklahoma City

Forward Grand Demur Fuyacho of Dallas

Forward Mac "the Whack" Arnold of Sacramento

Subs...

Guard Skibidi Hooper of Charleston

Guard Wrinkly Tinklyly Toe of Dallas

Forward Zuzus Petals of Seattle

Forward Big Ben Pettis of Charleston

Center Otzi "The Frozen Hunter" Bolzano of Los Angeles

Last season's Rookie Game, also against the Cut Pile, was a massacre in favor of the Rookies, who prevailed 81-53. Los Angeles rookie Big "Blue" Bottle was the Player of the Game with 19 points, 7 rebounds, 3 steals and 1 blocked shot.