Season 45 Preview

THE WEST

1. LOS ANGELES BIG ONE (Last season 6-4, third place)
In its sixth season in Los Angeles, this could be the year The Big One finally reaches the playoffs. Veteran forward Sloppy Dollop, picked up as free agent in the draft, is an upgrade from Anurag Dickshit at the power position. Defensive-minded guard Norman Conquest is back after suffering two injuries last season and will replace the retired Steve Carter at the two guard. Look for third-year point guard Dr. Marcus Brody to return to his rookie form when he made the All-MBA team. He dipped from 18.1 ppg his first year to 14.2 ppg last season, but because he does so many other things well, was still voted his team's MVP. Small forward Baba Brinkman is good for 15-plus points per game and center Chutcher Mouthchair had a 20.1 GVP last season. One of league's deepest benches.

2. SACRAMENTO RIVER DOGS (Last season 7-3, 5-1 in playoffs, first place and MBA champs)
The only team in the league returning its starting lineup intact, the River Dogs will be challenged for the division crown by L.A. but appear to be a lock for the playoffs. After shining in the playoffs, second-year point guard "Great" Gruncle Terry looks to improve his regular season scoring average while continuing to direct the team offense and lead the team in assists. All-MBA center Tree Fiddy made it through the season missing just one game, and if he does that again the Dogs will bark. Forward Pap Smearz may be slowing but is still a glue guy and small forward Doo-Rag Dripp will fill it up as usual. If shooting guard Potus Obama can replicate his playoff performance of last season, Sacramento will repeat as division champs.

3. SEATTLE STAMPEDE (Last season 3-7, fourth place)
The Stampede lost mainstay point guard Bob Kittle and his team-leading 15.5 ppg to retirement along with top rebounder, forward Bougainvillea Hedge. But they picked up one of the league standouts at forward, Pietro Destroyer, who became available in the draft when Chicago disbanded its team. (However, rumor has it that Destroyer has lost a step). Center Seven Castanza surprised everyone last season, finishing as the league's fourth-rated pivot in his rookie year. Seattle added a couple of good looking guards in rookies Don Barzini and AnDamian Wayne.

4. SAN JOSE FIGHTING AMIGOS (Last season 7-3, 0-2 in playoffs, second place)
Perennial contenders have a ton of question marks with the retirements of longtime guards Dayshotta Leo and YourMajesty Lumpkins. The Amigos went for youth in the draft and came up with two of the top three rated rookies in guard Mister Methane, who will put points on the board if he can stay out of foul trouble and the workmanlike forward Eddie "The Milkman" Creamer. They still have one of the top scoring and rebounding centers in the league in Hunk R. Down. May surprise.

5. OKLAHOMA CITY LARIATS (Last season 2-8, last place)
Advance scouting reports say third-year man Willie Carry McCoffee is ready to challenge as the top center in the league. But the Lariats added very little in terms of supporting their big man.

THE EAST

1. DALLAS DEMONS (Last season 7-3, 1-2 in playoffs, second place)
In a wide-open league, the Dallas Demons appear to have as much talent as anyone. Dallas strengthened its starting lineup, replacing power forward Al A. Orden with the more versatile 6-10 Egg Yolk Carpaccio. Two-time MBA MVP Chip "the Crip" Battoe returns for his third campaign as the league's unquestioned best forward, coming off his first scoring title and leading the league in blocks again by a wide margin. The big giant, 7-2 Gotoo Grot, improved four times at center and scoring guard Bingo Bango gives Dallas the best 1-2 scoring punch, along with Battoe, in the game. Orden moves to the pines where he joins a very deep bench that now includes defensive forward Kyle Sherwood and longtime guard Bootlace Barnaby. Always in the hunt, this could be Dallas' year.

2. CHARLESTON MOUNTAINEERS (Last season 7-3, third place)
Still stinging after missing the playoffs with a 7-win campaign, the Mountaineers return with a bigger, more offensive-minded team. Gone is point guard Red Reparee, ball-handler supreme who stirred the offense with his league-leading assist average of 5 per game. In his place at the point is the acquired veteran Lapiz Lapiz Boligrafo, the MBA's top 3-point shooter last season. His running mate will be either standout defender and rebounder Akbar Zagobia, plucked in free agency from Philadelphia or the smaller Cat Timol, who blossomed with a 15.7 ppg average last campaign. Hall of Fame center J.J. Gargantuan mans the center post for the eighth straight season. Charleston will be pressed by Philly and Milwaukee but should have enough to return to the playoffs.

3. PHILADELPHIA PHOBIA (Last season 8-2, 2-3 in playoffs, first place)
Everyone in the City of Brotherly Love breathed a sigh of relief when Hall of Fame guard Colquitt Croix, in the draft as a free agent, returned to the fold. However, the Phobia did lose starters Akbar Zagobia and Sloppy Dollop. Of the two, Zagobia will be harder to replace, with veteran scorer Guy "the Eye" Clark filling the gap with points instead of defense and rebounds. Don't feel too sorry for Philly. They are still a playoff contender in the tough East.

4. MILWAUKEE GREYHOUNDS (Last season 2-8, fourth place)
The Greyhounds are much improved, adding excellent sophomore guard Lannigan Lord Hobo and good-looking rookie center, the 7-2 Papa "Pupa" Popcorn to go along with last season's Rookie of the Year Fatty McButterpants, who led the team in scoring, rebounding and assists. Milwaukee is dangerous, but probably still a year away.

5. KANSAS CITY BASTARD ANGELS (New to the League)
The Bastard Angels have a veteran lineup of players who have all started at one time or another in the MBA, but they'll be hard-pressed to escape the cellar in this always-rough division.