Pre-Season Assessments Season 40

EAST DIVISION

1. CHARLESTON MOUNTAINEERS (unanimous No. 1 pick)
Season 39 Record: 6-4 second in division, (5-1 in playoffs)
Major Additions: 6-8 rookie forward Pietro Destroyer, 6-10 rookie forward Eggyolk Carpaccio, 6-8 backup center Hodor
Major Subtractons: Hall of Fame forward Art Vandelay to retirement, super-sub forward Pap Smearz

The Lowdown: Defending champions are one of two MBA powerhouse squads and a heavy favorite to win the division. They lost a pair of excellent forwards from last season's title run but picked up Pietro "The" Destroyer, rated the top rookie forward, in the draft. They also added rookie forward Eggyolk Carpaccio and the best backup center from the cut pile, Hodor, to give them more depth. The big three of Playoff MVP guard Beezow Bop-Bop, All MBA center J.J. Gargantuan and All-MBA forward B. Quiet are all back, and defensive genius Gargantuan has improved. Mel A. Noma will move to the point.


2. MILWAUKEE GREYHOUNDS (DM-2nd, TM-3rd)
Season 39 Record: 7-3 first in division, (1-2 in playoffs)
Major Addition: 6-2 guard Simon Barsinister
Major Subtractions: Hall of Fame guard Hrundi V. Bakshi

The Lowdown: Milwaukee will be in a dogfight for the second playoff spot in the East. Bakshi's loss hurts. Had just one draft pick this season and wasted it on awful guard Soupy Poops. Six-year vet Simon Barsinister is solid defensively and can score, but is a weak rebounder. Danke Shame is a shut-down defensive forward, Baskets Weaver has improved at guard and 7-1 pivot Ugatta Noluvfer Spikie has sharpened his game.

3. PHILADELPHIA PHOBIA (DM-4th, TM-2nd)
Season 39 Record: 3-7, fourth in division
Major Addition: 6-2 rookie point guard Colquitt "Ouuii" Croix
Major Subtractions: League-leading rebounder forward Davis Phillips

The Lowdown: Colquitt Croix was the top-rated rookie guard and will dazzle with his 3-point shooting. The other guard, Achtu Meinlieber, led the team in scoring last season at 17.5 ppg, and 6-7 Diss Reflexia will continue to amaze as one of the league's most exciting centers. But forwards Buck Naked and Vermin Supreme, acquired in a trade with Chicago, are a weak tandem.

4. CHICAGO GALE (DM-3rd, TM-4th)
Season 39 Record: 6-4, third place
Major Additions: 6-0 rookie point guard La'Quill McCool
Major Subtractions: Hall of fame center Max Payne, defensive specialist guard Poppy Poppalucco

The Lowdown: Could sneak into playoff picture after trade with Philadelphia netted McCool and forward DuDu Dadinga. But neither are great. All-MBA forward Reckless Abandon, and 6-11 center Magnus Dragonhof are best players.

5. DALLAS DEMONS Unanimous last-place pick
Season 39 Record: 6-4, second in West (3-4 in playoffs)
Major Additions: 6-2 sharp-shooting guard Wimsy Greenfoyle
Major Subtractions: All-time leading steals leader Lemon Jell-o, scoring machine T. Kanes Masterson, starting forward Taylor Quackstick.

The Lowdown: Dallas has the state of Texas all to itself, but move from West to East division will be rugged.


WEST DIVISION

1. OKLAHOMA CITY LARIATS (unanimous No. 1 pick)
Season 39 Record: 5-5, fourth place
Major Additions: Hall of Fame center Max Payne,6-7 rookie forward Sloppy Dollop
Major Subtractions: None

The Lowdown: In addition to Naf Naf, who has won three MVPs and three scoring titles in as many seasons, the Lariats have two-time All-MBA scoring whiz Yipeekayee Masterfalcon at the other guard, returning Rookie of the Year Bang-Bang Reiner at one forward and talented jumping-jack rookie Sloppy Dollop at the other. Add improved (that's right, improved) Hall of Fame 15-season center Max Payne and Oklahoma City looks unbeatable in the West. The last time Payne stopped here for a season in Season 35, the Lariats won their only title. Tyler predicts a 10-0 season.

2 (tie). LOS ANGELES BIG ONE (DM-3rd, TM-2nd)
Season 39 Record: 1-9, Last-place finish as Houston Iguanas in the East
Major Additions: Hall of Fame 6-7 guard Hrundi V. Bakshi, 6-4 rookie guard Akbar Zagobia, 6-8 forward Pap Smearz
Major Subtrations: None

The Lowdown: The Big One comes rolling into Los Angeles and the West as one of the MBA's most improved teams. Bakshi and Zagobia will be a dynamic guard combination. Both rebound and score, and Zagobia plays defense like an assassin. Pap Smearz is about to emerge as one of the league's top forwards. Top scorer Guy Clark and one-time league MVP Hitler provide depth off the bench. Center. with Steve "Drunk Uncle" Bromberger, could be their Achilles heel.

2. (tie). SACRAMENTO RIVERDOGS (DM-2nd, TM-3rd)
Season 39 Record: 4-6, Last Place
Major Additions: 6-5 rookie forward Flip Testerton, 6-2 rookie point guard Red Reparee
Major Subtractions: Forward Harold Arlen (retired)

The Lowdown: All of Sacramento breathed a sigh of relief when last year's top rookie center Tree Fiddy returned to the team after testing the free-agency waters. Along with reliable scorer Bill Cull and rookie sensation Flip Testerton at forwards, the R-Dogs have a stalwart front line. 6-2 rookie Red Reparee and 6-6 veteran Steve Carter will man the back court. Rookie 6-6 forward Kyle "Parsons Chicken" Sherwood plays defense like he was born to it. Playoffs?

4. SAN JOSE FIGHTING AMIGOS (picked fourth unanimously)
Season 39 Record: 7-3, first place (0-2 in playoffs)
Major Additions: None
Major Subtractions: None

The Lowdown: The Amigos are the only MBA team that will start the exact same team as last season. It was enough to win the West in Season 39, but an improved division will make a playoff return a hard road. Three-point specialist YourMajesty Lumpkins and the top rookie center Hunk R. Down will contribute off the bench for now.

5. SEATTLE STAMPEDE (unanimous last-place pick)
Season 39 Record: 5-5 Third place
Major Addition: 6-8 forward Tea Time Typhoo
Major Subtractions: Top-scorer, guard Wimsy Greenfoyle
The Lowdown: Worse at guard, better at forward, a playoff run not anticipated.

A LOOK AT SEASON 40 ROOKIES (IT’S A BUMPER CROP, ESPECIALLY AT FORWARD)

THE ELITE
6-2 guard Colquitt “Ouuii” Croix…starting at point guard for Philadelphia…rookie of year favorite
6-8 forward Pietro “The” Destroyer…starting at forward for Charleston
6-7 forward Sloppy Dollop…starting forward for Oklahoma City
6-4 guard Akbar Zagobia…starting point guard for Los Angeles
6-5 forward Flip Testerton…starting small forward for Sacramanto
7-0 center Hunk R. Down…back-up center to Pippi Pippistrelli on San Jose
6-6 forward Kyle “Parsons Chicken” Sherwood…back-up forward for Sacramento

SOLID PLAYERS
6-6 guard Theon Greyjoy…back-up guard behind All-MBA pair in Oklahoma City
6-10 forward Eggyolk Carpaccio…back-up forward for loaded Charleston team
6-9 center Pat “Bubkis” Moore…back-up center to Tree Fiddy in Sacramento
6-2 guard Red Reparee…starting point guard for Sacramento
6-0 guard La’Quill “McQuill” McCool…starting point guard for Chicago

LACKING
6-10 center Falaftimus Prime…good rebounder, good offense, no defense…cut pile
6-7 forward Wild Bill Connelly…great ball-handler…not great enough…cut pile
6-3 guard Soupy Poops…worth a hearty laugh when Milwaukee got him with lone pick…on bench
6-6 forward Nomo Momo…can score a bit in the paint, but that’s it…cut pile

Only four rookies started on MBA teams last season. Seven are starters this season, and four more have starting potential.



HALL OF FAME WATCH (Players entering Season 40 with 5 or more awards on their card)
Ten needed for Hall of Fame (Six awards possible for a rookie in any one year…five for all others)

ACTIVE HALL OF FAMERS
Hrundi V. Bakshi, 12th season guard, Los Angeles (18 awards)
Max Payne, 15th season center, Oklahoma City (15 awards)
Naf Naf, 4th season guard, Oklahoma City (10 awards)

Seven
Gulemon Mon-Mon, 14th season forward Dallas

Six
Naceg Gecan, 6th season center, Dallas
Diss Reflexia, 5th season center, Philadelphia
B. Quiet, 6th season forward, Charleston

Five
Ginger Vampire, 9th season guard, Seattle
Beezow Doo-Doo Zopitty Bop Bop-Bob, 7th season guard, Charleston
Yipeekayee Masterfalcon, 6th season guard, Oklahoma City
Walt White, 11th season guard, Oklahoma City
Vic Hitler, 5th season forward, Los Angeles