Season 56 Rookie Game

 ROOKIES 70, CUT PILE 57

HO-HUM ROOKIE WIN

In what was expected to be a Season 56 Rookies Team blowout, the MBA newcomers never really got untracked on the way to an unimpressive 70-57 victory over a gallant, no-talent team of Cut Pile Boys.

PLAYER OF THE GAME

29 GVP...Gillette rookie guard MABOROSHI NO HOTCAKE bombed in 3 long ones on the way to a game-high 21 points in this victory in which he dominated Bobby Blumpkin. The 6-2 Hotcake was 7 for 12 from the field (3 for 5 from deep) while posting a perfect 4 for 4 from the foul stripe. He also pulled down 5 rebounds while tying for team lead in assists with 3.

Other 20-plus GVP performers

27 GVP...6-10 Dallas rookie forward Grand Demur Fuyacho...19 points...5 rebounds, 2 assists, 1 block

23 GVP...Fresh to the cut pile, center Harry "Big Stink" Merdaio...16 points, 5 rebounds, 1 block, 1 ast.

Cut Pile Boys prevented 9 points

Rookies prevented 6 points

Top player in points prevented...Cut Pile Boy Spastic Colin with 5

Season 56 MBA Draft

LOS ANGELES

Looks like they improved enough to get out of the cellar, drafting two veteran starters in guard Dick Papers and small forward Turk Attaturk. Rookie center Otzi Bolzano seems like a capable backup.

MILWAUKEE

Improved slightly with addition of veteran forward Scobee Bryant. Getting two-time, but often-injured All-MBA center Johnny Bananas will help offensively, but he will be replacing Hall of Fame center J.J. Gargantuan, who was the best defender on a team that finished last in defense.

SACRAMENTO

League's worst offensive team lost top scorer Karma Chameleon but picked up Dallas mainstay Satan Israel at forward. Rookies Shtoink (guard) and Mac Arnold (forward) seem capable but don't appear to be difference makers. Rookie center Xandiloquence Bizarre the Ab3rd is an okay backup. 

PHILADELPHIA

Got solid third-year man Leonard Pinth Garnel back, who will pair with free agent Phillip Mianus for a strong defensive forward tandem. Did not address the loss of retired two guard Splash Gordon and thus appear to be worse than last season's 5-5 club.

OKLAHOMA CITY

Their biggest get was the massive and highly rated rookie center Hooza Goodboi. But he will be sitting behind last season's team MVP and league Rookie of the Year Poop-Rupiah 3000. They still have holes at forward and two guard, so three seasons of playoff contention seem to have come to an end.

GILLETTE

Needed a starting forward and drafted three guards. Reliable scoring guard Joey "Joe-Joe" Shamadu Jr. returns to the fold after testing free agency waters, but he may be replaced by rookie guard Maboroshi No Hotcake, who can match him in long-range shooting but is a better rebounder for a team that sucked in rebounding last season.

SAN JOSE

Surprise playoff team from last season addressed their need for a rim-protecting center by snagging ancient but still effective free agent Hall of Famer J.J. Gargantuan. Longtime Oklahoma City starter, guard Handsy Joe Potatoe adds depth to starting guard tandem. Small forward position, as of now, will be filled by someone from the cut pile draft. 

SEATTLE

Retirement of forward Frog Morton will change the dynamic of the Stampede's starting lineup, as neither rookie forwards Zuzus Petals or Ken L. Koff (cut) will fill that gap. Picked up a real scorer in free-agent guard Karma Chameleon, who was Sacramento's top point-getter and team MVP. It will be interesting to see if he replaces Hilbee Juggleboy in the starting lineup. Seattle made their bones on defense last season and Juggleboy was one of their toughest defenders.

CHARLESTON

He lasted until the 29th pick in the draft, and when the next big thing, rookie guard Famichiki Whiskey was finally snagged by the Mountaineers it made last season's finalists a stronger contender to four-time champion Dallas.  Whiskey can fill it up and also plays superb defense at the two guard spot. Paired with Kopi Luwak at guard, he gives Charleston a potent offensive backcourt. Rookie guard Skibidi Hooper adds solid depth and even more defense coming off the bench. Superb draft for having just two picks.

DALLAS

Despite losing longtime starting power forward Satan Israel to free agency, the four-time title defenders are still the team to beat. They picked up the top rookie forward, 6-10 Grand Demur Fuyacho with their first prime pick. He will fight for the starting spot left vacant by Israel with Venial Sinn. Dallas also added rookie guard Wrinkly Tinkyly Toe, brother of star L.A. guard Pinky Toe. Though not a standout like his bro, this Toe adds more depth to a deep Dallas bunch. The Demons first pick from the Charleston trade for Kopi Luwak was negligible. Rookie forward Big Ben Pettis was cut, and later picked up by Charleston.

Note...just four rookies of the 16 did not make a team this season.

NEXT UP

The Rookie Game this season will pit the newcomers against the Cut Pile.

The Cut Pile boys will be:

Starters...

Guard Bobby Blumpkin

Guard Itsaka Numdrum

Center Harry "Big Stink" Merdaio

Forward Spastic Colin

Forward Idna "The Lazax" Valsid

Subs...

Guard Old Man Mahoffer

Guard Swifty Twitch

Forward Ed "Horsehead" Henderson

Forward Ichie Boobies

Center Dave "Uncle Dunk" Tesh

The rookies squad, based on Tyler's rankings, will be

Starters...

Guard Maboroshi No Hotcake of Gillette

Guard Famichiki Whiskey of Charleston

Center Hooza Goodboi of Oklahoma City

Forward Grand Demur Fuyacho of Dallas

Forward Mac "the Whack" Arnold of Sacramento

Subs...

Guard Skibidi Hooper of Charleston

Guard Wrinkly Tinklyly Toe of Dallas

Forward Zuzus Petals of Seattle

Forward Big Ben Pettis of Charleston

Center Otzi "The Frozen Hunter" Bolzano of Los Angeles

Last season's Rookie Game, also against the Cut Pile, was a massacre in favor of the Rookies, who prevailed 81-53. Los Angeles rookie Big "Blue" Bottle was the Player of the Game with 19 points, 7 rebounds, 3 steals and 1 blocked shot. 

Season 56 Rookies

Season 56 Rookies rated

Ratings are by Tyler...if you see a Far East tendency in the names, that can be attributed to Tyler and Jesse's recent stay in Japan. 

This is considered to be a slightly above average class of rookies with one superstar (Famichiki Whiskey) and three others who will make their marks in the MBA. After those four, there are maybe 8 who will stick in the league and four duds.

6-6 Guard...Famichiki Whiskey...5 stars

7-1 Center...Hooza Goodboi...4 1/2 stars

6-10 Forward...Grand Demur Fuyacho...4 1/2 stars

6-2 Guard...Maboroshi No Hotcake...4 stars

6-3 Guard...Skibidi Hooper...3 1/2 stars

6-2 Guard...Wrinkly Tinklyly Toe...3 1/2

6-8 Center...Xandiloquence Bizarre The Ab3rd...3 stars

6-6 Forward...Mac "The Whack" Arnold...3 stars

6-3 Guard...Shtoink...3 stars

7-1 Center...Otzi "The Frozen Hunter" Bolzano...2 1/2 stars

6-6 Forward...Zuzus Petals...2 1/2 stars

6-10 Forward...Big Ben Pettis (AKA Beltran)...2 stars

6-5 Forward...Doc Dockerson...2 stars 

6-8 Forward...Ken L. Koff...1 1/2 stars

6-8 Forward...Flopsi Winkelhorse...1 1/2 stars

6-0 Guard...Frank "the Convict" Puccini...1 1/2 stars

Season 56...Free Agents Abound prior to Season 56

 

Free agency will touch all 10 teams this coming season as 17 MBA players declared their intention to enter the Season 56 draft.

Los Angeles and Seattle are the only two teams who will not be losing starters.

The hardest hit team was the Philadelphia Phobia, who lost three starters, longtime Philly favorite guard Dick Papers and two of the better forwards in the league Leonard Pinth Garnel and Turk Attaturk. Add retired guard Splash Gordon to that total and Philly currently has just one starter, center Brother Jasper, back from its fourth-place (5-5) squad of last season.

Oklahoma City lost two starters from its 5-5 third-place team, including 8-season mainstay Handsy Joe Potatoe, the most tenured Lariat.

Milwaukee, sitting on three consecutive 2-8 last-place campaigns donated Hall of Fame center J.J. Gargantuan, third on the all-time points list and the oldest active player ever.

Sacramento, last in scoring the in MBA last season, lost its top scorer and team MVP Karma Chameleon.

Gillette lost point guard Joey "Joe-Joe" Shamadu Jr., a reliable scorer, and San Jose lost starting small forward Scobee Bryant. 

Two-time All-MBA center Johnny Bananas, injured for the Finals last season, will also enter the draft.

And finally, the four-time defending champions from Dallas donated one of its starters, the superb power forward Satan Israel, to the proceedings. This marks the first time in five seasons the Demons have lost a player to free agency.

The breakdown by position is:

6 guards...5 of which were starters

8 forwards...5 starters

3 centers...2 starters

Dave teams lost 10 players (6 starters)

Tyler teams lost 7 players (5 starters)

The 17 free agents will join 16 rookies in the Season 56 draft...meaning that each team will be getting at least three draft picks and the three worst teams...Los Angeles, Milwaukee and Sacramento...will be getting four picks. 

NO TEAMS WILL BE MOVING JUST YET

Los Angeles and Milwaukee both rolled the cube of chance to see if they, based on recent records of futility, would move out of their respective cities. Neither will have to. But both are still in jeopardy if they again finish in last place this coming season, especially Milwaukee, whose odds increase to 50 percent with another cellar-dwelling campaign. 

Season 56...cut pile improvements and regressions and other MBA sundries

 

As can be seen by the above list, there was not enough improvement to get the MBA fandom to even take notice as far as cut pile players are concerned.

Guards Swifty Twitch and Tut Ankhamun each led the way with 3 improvements, but they still fall far short of MBA quality guards. Twitch got better against the dribble and pass (3+ on both now) and added a deny on 9, but he just cannot shoot. Ankhamun mirrored Twitch's improvements against the dribble and pass (2+ each now) and added a deny on 6 against the shot. He can shoot but fouls a lot. "The Pharoah" is probably the best guard in the cut pile, which is like saying he's the tallest midget.

The only other thing worth mentioning is in regards to forward Ichie Boobies, who in now a 7 passer and 7 dribbler. Impressive, but that's about the extent of his value.

In all 6 cut pile guys improved while 14 got worse and 6 stayed the same.

Other MBA tidbits

-- Wawa Wewa retires with the all-time record of playing in 132 consecutive games (which ended this season).

-- Ape Con Myth retires despite threatening Wewa's record. He leaves the game with 120 consecutive games played at the end of Season 55.

-- Hall of Fame center J.J. Gargantuan of Milwaukee enters Season 56 with the record for most consecutive active seasons. Season 56 will be his 19th. He breaks the tie with Tubes Mullard, who had 18 seasons on the active list.

Mullard had 20 seasons altogether, counting his 2 in the cut pile. That is the third longest career in MBA history. He is only topped by Kirin Connor who had 24 seasons (10 in cut pile) and the almighty Pug Mahone with 29 seasons (and an extraordinary 22 of those in the cut pile). 

-- Oklahoma City's Hall of Fame forward Crentis Dentist captured his third shooting percentage title in Season 55, tying him with retired Hall of Fame forward Boone Doggle for the most ever in that department.

-- The Dallas Demons, with their 14-1 overall record in Season 55, now have overall winning records against every team in the MBA with the exception of Philadelphia. They surpassed Milwaukee and San Jose in that head-to-head department this past season.

-- In team news other than that involving Dallas, the Charleston Mountaineers have the longest streak of seasons without a losing record...7. Even more impressively, they have had just one losing season in the last 20 campaigns, which is somewhat amazing since its in the uber-competitive East Division. That explains why Charleston's head coach, Bill Rustler, is the dean of all imaginary leaders, with 38 consecutive seasons at the helm.

-- Along those same lines, only one head coach will be replaced going into Season 56. It was a good news, bad news off-season for Pap Smearz, who earned Hall of Fame honors but was replaced as Milwaukee;s head coach after just one season by Pietro Destroyer. 

Head Coaches going into Season 56 (unless Milwaukee or Los Angeles moves or is disbanded)

Dallas Demons...Buzzy Bazinski...four titles in four seasons at the helm...going into 5th as coach.

Charleston Mountaineers...Bill Rustler...going into 39th consecutive season.

Oklahoma City Lariats...Grady Booch...going into 7th season

Philadelphia Phobia...Stu Nod...going into 20th 

Milwaukee Greyhounds...rookie head coach Pietro Destroyer takes over for Pap Smearz.

Seattle Stampede...Ray Blaze...going into 5th season

San Jose Fighting Amigos...Louie Subgum goes into 2nd season after getting team into playoffs.

Gillette Humps...Otto Palindrome goes into 4th season.

Sacramento River Dogs...Theta Ty is on the hot seat as he heads into his 5th season at the helm

Los Angeles Big One...Naceg Gecan is hanging on going into his 10th campaign. 

NEXT UP: The announcement of free agents.

Season 55...Their Place in the MBA Universe...plus other important MBA observations

GARGANTUAN MOVING UP

Still active Hall of Fame center J.J. Gargantuan, currently of Milwaukee, completed his 18th MBA season and will be in his 19th starting the next campaign.

-- With Season 55 in the books, he moved from 7th place in all-time total points to third place all time behind only Momadou Zongo and Ching-Chong Chung. Gargantuan has amassed 1,961 points over his career.

The top 10 in all-time points are as follows:

1. Momadou Zongo...2,606...17 seasons...15.7 ppg

2. Ching-Chong Chung...2,016...12 seasons...16.8 ppg

3. J.J. Gargantuan...1,961...18 seasons (still active)...11.5 ppg

4. Hrundi V. Bakshi...1,980...13 seasons...16.5 ppg

5. Doug Fresh...1,904...15 seasons...13.3 ppg

6. Max Payne...1,881...17 seasons...12.5 ppg

7. Uncle Bob Masterson...1,872...10 seasons...19.1 ppg

8. Steve Carter...1,727...16 seasons...11.7 ppg

9. Naf Naf...1,648...7 seasons...24.2 ppg

10. Tree Fiddy...1,580...13 seasons...13.5 ppg

Note: Only Carter is not in the Hall of Fame

Additionally, Gargantuan moved up the ranks in the Hall of Fame listing after adding another All Star Game appearance to his awards total, now numbering 14. 

Gargantuan went from number 25 to number 19 in HOF rankings, passing Raisin Sport, Guru Gannon and Tommy Zoop. He is now tied with Conquitt Croix, Dan Mann, Cheetos Jones and Cam Bodia for 19th.

As far as all-time Hall of Fame center awards goes...J.J. is fourth...and rising?

1. Max Payne...22 awards

2. Diamond Dallas Paige...16 awards

2. Jonny Cockaroo...16 awards

4. J.J. Gargantuan...14 awards (still active)

5. Tree Fiddy...12 awards

5. Bill Rustler...12 awards

5. Rip Slamjam...12 awards

8. Tom "the Bomb" Kondla...11 awards

9. Bart Pitbull...10 awards

10. Mable Reed...9 awards

10. Diss Reflexia...9 awards

10. Ama Spikie...9 awards

All Time All Star Game Appearances

Gargantuan is now tied for first place all time in All Star Game Appearances with fellow Hall of Fame center Max Payne. 

The list goes:

1.Max Payne...11

1. J.J. Gargantuan...11 (active)

3. Uncle Bob Masterson...10

3. Momadou Zongo...10

5. Curly Hogbottom...9

Note: active Hall of Fame forward Crentis Dentist of Oklahoma City is tied for 10th with 7 

Other Hall of Fame advancements

Having garnered 4 more awards in Season 55, Juzan Djinn of Dallas has moved into a tie for 12th most awarded player of all time, which is amazing since he just completed only his sixth season. He will be back for number 7. 

He is now among the seven best guards of all time as far as awards go. That list is as follows:

1. Naf Naf...23 awards

2. Uncle Bob Masterson...21 awards

3. Cappy Gambol...19 awards

3. Hrundi V. Bakshi...19 awards

5. Jesse Shershot...18 awards

5. Momadou Zongo...18 awards

7. Stu Nod...17 awards

7. Juzan Djinn...17 awards (active)

Oklahoma City forward Crentis Dentist, active and back for his 8th season, is now tied for 23rd in Hall of Fame ranks, tied with Tommy Zoop, Guru Gannon and Raisin Sport...all have 13 awards. Dentist ranks tied for 7th all time in most awarded forwards. That list is as follows:

1. Curly Hogbottom...25 awards

2. Chip Battoe...22 awards

3. Saggital Occlusal...19 awards

4. Boone Doggle...18 awards

5. Link Lennex...17 awards

6. Cam Bodia...15 awards

7. Guru Gannon...13 awards

7. Raisin Sport...13 awards

7. Crentis Dentist...13 awards (active)

Season 55 Playoffs Summary

This was the closest Playoff MVP race ever. Vicious Hick and Biggus Dickus actually tied as far as GVP points goes, but Hick gets the nod for the second season in a row with the tie-breaker, which was points per game.

Amazing stat...Dallas' playoff points differential was 24.2 per game.

MOST TITLES

16...PHILADELPHIA PHOBIA

9.....DALLAS DEMONS

7.....LOS ANGELES BIG ONE / HOUSTON IGUANAS

7.....MILWAUKEE GREYHOUNDS

5.....CHARLESTON MOUNTAINEERS

LAST 10 CHAMPIONS

Season 55...Dallas 9-0, 5-0

Season 54...Dallas 10-0, 5-0

Season 53...Dallas 8-2, 5-2

Season 52...Dallas 8-2, 5-2

Season 51...Los Angeles 6-4, 5-0

Season 50...Los Angeles 9-1, 5-0

Season 49...San Jose 6-4, 5-1

Season 48...Sacramento 9-1, 5-3

Season 47...Dallas 10-0, 5-0

Season 46...Dallas 9-1, 5-1

Note...Dallas is the only franchise to run the table. They have done it twice. 

LAST 10 PLAYOFF MVPS

Season 55...Vicious Hick, Dallas guard (only player to win playoff MVPs in first two seasons)

Season 54...Vicious Hick, Dallas guard (rookie)

Season 53...Juzan Djinn, Dallas guard

Season 52...Juzan Djinn, Dallas guard

Season 51...Crentis Dentist, Los Angeles forward

Season 50...Great Gruncle Terry, Los Angeles guard

Season 49...Jesse Shershot, San Jose guard

Season 48...Doo-rag Dripp, Sacramento forward

Season 47...Chip Battoe, Dallas forward

Season 46...Chip Battoe, Dallas forward 

Veterans Committee names Pap Smearz to Hall

After retiring from the MBA following Season 47, veteran forward and five-time All Star Game selection Pap Smearz waited eight seasons to get the call from the Hall of Fame. 

Following Season 55, the Veterans Committee finally named this well-traveled champion the 60th member of the MBA Hall of Fame.

The 6-8 Smearz played for eight different franchises in his 11-season career, finally settling down to play the last five for the Sacramento River Dogs.

He started his career in Chicago, where, after his first two campaigns, he became the face of free agency, playing for six different teams in six seasons. 

In addition to his identity as a vagabond, Smearz was known for attracting championships wherever he went. He was a member of four different championship teams, an unmatched distinction.

It was in Season 38, in Chicago, where he gained his first championship ring for the Gale's final title season. The next season, Season 39, he garnered his second ring in a row as a member of the Charleston

Mountaineers. He was coming off the bench for those first two championships, but in Season 41 for Oklahoma City and Season 44 for Sacramento he was a key member of the starting lineups that won it all.

Smearz could do it all as a player. He manned both forward positions with equal aplomb, could rebound with the best of them, was a fine defender and could shoot accurately from all four zones while posting superb numbers from the free throw line. Through 11 seasons he never lost his speed.

Unselfish to a fault, Smearz was an above-average, if not spectacular scorer. He led the league in rebounds once and led his team in that category twice. He also led his team in assists. At the charity stripe he was a league leader once, and led his team four times for a career percentage of 87.9 percent, putting together three seasons in which he did not miss. 

In the playoffs, "Pappy" put together an unmatched 33 for 33 perfect free-throwing mark over 38 post-season games.

His shooting percentage of 67.8 percent for his career resulted in four different team leadership campaigns. 

NEXT UP: Playoff leaders

 

Season 55 Finals ... Game 3...Charleston at Dallas

DALLAS 82, CHARLESTON 60 (Slaughter Rule Enforced)

DAZZLING DEMONS 4-PEAT

DALLAS -- The Dallas Demons, demonstrating that they are in a league of their own, captured their fourth consecutive MBA title, doing so by sweeping their way through the playoffs for the second straight season.

The crowning contest was an 82-60 victory before their home fans, during which the team was never really threatened. It was the seventh straight Finals win for what many consider the best starting lineup in the history of the league. 

Only one team, the Philadelphia Phobia of Seasons 29 through 33, with five straight titles, can challenge that distinction. Those Philly teams featured a starting lineup of five Hall of Fame players, giving this Dallas aggregation something to shoot for next season and the seasons to come. 

This latest Dallas championship saw the Demons hold Charleston, which was the second-highest scoring team in the league at 78.9ppg, to just 61.7 points per game. Meanwhile, Dallas averaged 86.7 per game in the Finals. 

As is their pattern, the Demons exploded for an 11-0 run to end the first quarter, holding Charleston to just 7 points in the first frame and setting off an early celebration. The fans in the stands were going so wild, it was like a thousand pogo sticks on a trampoline party with a side of confetti cannons and a marching band of chimpanzees playing vuvuzelas!

Points prevented by team

Dallas...14

Charleston ...4

Tops in points prevented

Biggus Dickus of Dallas with 6

6 others tied with 2

PLAYER OF THE GAME

33 GVP...Charleston guard KOPI LUWAK...The highest scorer in this game, fittingly, was the former Dallas star who the Mountaineers mortgaged their future to acquire. The fourth-year sharpshooter, who missed the previous game due to injury, knocked down 5 treys in 12 tries on the way to a 27-point performance. The 6-2 Luwak was 9 for 18 from the floor and 4 for 6 from the foul line while tying for game-high in assists with 3. He added 2 rebounds and 1 steal. When he left the floor late in the game, the Dallas crowd acknowleged his effort with warm applause (or was that apple sauce?) 

Other 20-plus GVP performers

31 GVP...Dallas center Biggus Dickus...18 points...7 rebounds...3 assists...3 blocked shots...tops in points prevented. 

23 GVP...Dallas point guard Vicious Hick...14 points (4 treys)...7 rebounds...2 assists. 

20 GVP...Dallas two guard, Hall of Famer Juzan Djinn...14 points...3 rebounds...2 assists...1 steal. 

20 GVP...Dallas power forward Satan Israel...15 points...5 rebounds.

DALLAS' 9  CHAMPIONSHIPS THROUGH THE YEARS

Only Philadelphia, with 16 titles, has more.

It took 15 seasons for Dallas to win their first title, but since Season 20, no team has won more

SEASON 55...9-1.....5-0 in playoffs

SEASON 54...10-0...5-0 in playoffs

SEASON 53...8-2.....5-2 in playoffs

SEASON 52...8-2.....5-2 in playoffs

                                                          

SEASON 47...10-0...5-0 in playoffs

SEASON 46...9-1.....5-1 in playoffs

                                                         

SEASON 28...9-1...5-3 in playoffs

                                                          

SEASON 21...7-3...5-1 in playoffs

SEASON 20...7-3...5-1 in playoffs

note...Dallas finished in first place in their division in every championship season.

NEXT UP: Announcement of Playoff MVP...listing of playoff stat leaders and summary.