Season 57 Featured Game 1

DALLAS 92, GILLETTE 72

CHAMPS OUT OF THE GATE FAST

DALLAS -- Hall of Fame great Juzan Djinn swished a 3-point shot on the first time unit of Season 57, setting off a slaughter rule, 92-72 win over visiting Gillette in the cross-over opener.

Mighty Dallas then rode its 13-point first-quarter lead to its ninth consecutive victory dating back to last season, including its 5-0 playoff run.

PLAYER OF THE GAME

35 GVP...Tied for fifth place all time in MBA award rankings, eighth-year Hall of Famer JUZAN DJINN kicked off the new campaign in style as he assaults Curly Hogbottom's No. 1 position at the top of the pyramid. Fresh off his third Playoff MVP honor, this monster guard delivered a game-high 26 points, led everyone in assists with 4 and tied for most blocked shots with 4. Additionally, this two-way star posted the best numbers in points prevented with 8, blocking a pair of 3-pointers by the man he dominated, Joey Shamadu, Jr. The 6-2 Djinn was 10 for 15 from the floor, splashing home a trio of treys in 5 deep attempts while going 3 for 3 from the foul line. His 15 first-quarter points shot the Demons into the lead. Dallas fans showed their appreciation for Djinn throughout the contest, giving the man who almost got away via free agency a rousing ovation when he was removed from the game halfway into the last quarter.

Other 20-plus GVP performers

31 GVP...Gillette point guard Maboroshi No Hotcake...25 points (5 for 5 from deep)...3 rebounds...3 assists.

23 GVP...Dallas center Biggus Dickus...18 points...3 rebounds...2 assists.

21 GVP...Gillette power forward Grand Demur Fuyacho...12 points...4 rebounds...4 blocks...1 assist.

POINTS PREVENTED

Gillette...6

Dallas....14

TOP POINT PREVENTERS

Juzan Djinn, Dallas...8

Pete Marzano, Dallas 4

 

MBA Standings … Season 57

EAST DIVISION

DALLAS…………………1-0

MILWAUKEE………..

OKLAHOMA CITY…..

PHILADELPHIA………

CHARLESTON……….

WEST DIVISION

SAN JOSE…………

LOS ANGELES….

SEATTLE………….

SACRAMENTO…

GILLETTE…………0-1

 

NEXT UP:.Los Angeles and its new superstar Vicious Hick, favored to win the West, travel to Sacramento where the R-Dogs hope to improve on their last-place effort of last season.

Season 57 MBA Preview and Predictions

 Demons ... but less dominant

The East 

Last season ... Dallas 8-2, Milwaukee 6-4, Oklahoma City 4-6, Philadelphia 4-6, Charleston 3-7. 

1. DALLAS DEMONS (unanimous): They lose the league MVP Vicious Hick to free agency, add nobody of note, but are still favored to win not only the East, but the whole ball of wax for a record six consecutive titles. They still have Hall of Fame guard Juzan Djinn, who returned to the team from free agency and the MBA's newest Hall of Famer, forward Pete "the Steakman" Marzano, as well as rock-solid center Biggus Dickus. Third-year guard Mini Carfartt will replace Hick at the point. Great team depth too.

2. PHILADELPHIA PHOBIA (T-2nd, D-3rd): Addition of free agent center Blob Dylan gives Philly outrageous defensive front line as he joins forwards Leonard Pinth-Garnel and Phillip Mianus. Rookie guard Mel A. Tonin pairs with veteran Flufferton Springs, a small combo that could be tested by opposing shooters and rebounders. Weak bench, but could be enough to end five-season playoff drought.

3. OKLAHOMA CITY LARIATS (T-4th, D-2nd): Traded top-scorer and franchise mainstay King Czardines, replacing him at point with dependable Bellybutton Inquisition while adding veteran power forward defender Kevin Duran-Duran. All-MBA  center Poop-Rupiah 3000 has upped his passing game.

4. CHARLESTON MOUNTAINEERS (T-4th, D-3rd): Loss of fine second-year power forward  Grand Demur Fuyacho to free agency makes league's youngest lineup less talented. But they could surprise behind new head coach Curly Hogbottom.

5. MILWAUKEE GREYHOUNDS (unanimous): Lost center Johnny Bananas with bad rookie replacements. 

The West 

Last season...San Jose 8-2, Gillette 6-4, Los Angeles 6-4, Seattle 4-6, Sacramento 1-9

1. LOS ANGELES BIG ONE (unanimous): Getting MVP Vicious Hick in free agency makes L.A. the West favorite. Also gained potential Rookie of the Year in forward Rumpy Pumpy Lewis and San Jose hotshot guard Donny Dupons, who will come off the bench behind team MVP Pinky Toe. The Toe-Hick guard combo is now the top backcourt in the MBA. Chat Bot has the potential to improve on his 8th place GVP finish among centers. And Big Blue Bottle is a better passer at forward. 

2. GILLETTE HUMPS (T-2nd, D-3rd): Lost top player in franchise history, Blob Dylan, to free agency, but got pair of tough free agents in second-year forward Grand Demur Fuyacho and center Brother Jasper, the latter a proven scorer in the post. They will miss defense of Lefty Scavenger at guard, but backcourt combo of Maboroshi No Hotcake and Joey "Joe Joe" Shamadu, Jr. will score big.

3. SEATTLE STAMPEDE (T-4th, D-2nd): Big trade and draft changed roster 60 percent from last season. Youngsters Hooza Goodboi at center and rookie J.J. "Jake" Pickle at forward are untested but talent-laden. King Czardines at the point brings passing and scoring magic. Should contend for playoffs.

4. SACRAMENTO RIVER DOGS (T-4th, D-3rd): Free agent point guard Rabbit Munchers is the only newcomer to last season's bottom feeders. He has the greenlight to bomb away for the R-Dogs.

5. SAN JOSE FIGHTING AMIGOS (unanimous): Oldest starting lineup in MBA history will gasp to finish last.

INDIVIDUAL AWARD PREDICTIONS

MVP -- Hall of Fame guard Juzan Djinn (unanimous)

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR -- J.J. "Jake" Pickle, Seattle forward (unanimous)

ALL MBA FIRST TEAM

Guard--Vicious Hick, Los Angeles (unanimous)

Guard--Hall of Famer Juzan Djinn, Dallas (unanimous)

Center--Poop-Rupiah 3000, Gillette (Dave) or Hall of Famer Chochky Galumpkus, San Jose (Tyler)

Forwards--Satan Israel, Gillette (Dave), Eddie "the Milkman" Creamer, San Jose (Dave), Erik A. Crocidale, Seattle (Tyler), Hall of Famer Pete "the Steakman" Marzano, Dallas (Tyler) 

4 ACTIVE HALL OF FAMERS THIS SEASON...most in a while

21 awards...Juzan  Djinn, Dallas

13 awards...Crentis Dentist, Seattle

10 awards...Chochky Galumpkus, San Jose

10 awards...Pete "the Steakmam" Marzano, Dallas

ON THE VERGE OF THE HALL

9 awards...Vicious Hick, Los Angeles

8 awards...Biggus Dickus, Dallas

8 awards...Al A. Orden, San Jose

8 awards...Satan Israel, Sacramento

8 awards...Kopi Luwak, Charleston

8 awards...Eddie "the Milkman" Creamer

6 awards...Johnny Bananas, Oklahoma City

6 awards...Piping Plover, Charleston

5 awards...Blob Dylan, Philadelphia

5 awards...Flufferton Springs, Philadelphia

5 awards...King Czardines, Seattle

5 awards...Pinky Toe, Los Angeles

10 OR MORE SEASOMS

17...Al A. Orden, Sam Jose

15...Hurricane Furrwizard, Dallas

14...Chai Walla (cut pile)

13...Eddie "the Milkman" Creamer, San Jose (all with Amigos)

12...Chochky Galumpkus, San Jose

12...F.P. Pompeo (cut pile)

12...Ray "Big Ticket" Matuzzi (cut pile)

12...Nicholas Pickles (cut pile)

11...Tootie Heathcliffe (cut pile)

11...Joe Momsawhore, San Jose

11..Josepah Gecan, San Jose

NOTE: 5 of the 6 actives are on San Jose...4 of them start

THE DEAN OF COACHES IS AXED

After 39 seasons, Bill Rustler is being replaced by

Curly Hogbottom for Charleston 

His record was 210-180 (.538) in regular season 

9 division titles

5 championships (the only 5 in Charleston history)

with titles in Seasons 26, 27, 36, 39 and 42

15 post seasons

10 Finals

42-32 postseason record .568

252-212 combined .543

NEXT UP: Season 57 gets started with a featured

game...a cross-over hosted by five-time defending

champion Dallas against the team they beat 

handily in last season's playoff Semifinals,

the Gillette Humps. 

---

Season 57 Improvements/Regressions...Cut Pile Draft...A Big trade

NOTEWORTHY IMPROVEMENTS

SACRAMENTO -- Veteran star power forward and team MVP Satan Israel loses a foul on 6, meaning he won't be coming off the court as much with foul trouble.

PHILADELPHIA -- Power forward Leonard Pinth Garnel, one of the best passing forwards in the league and the top assist man for Phobia last season improves from a 7 to an 8 passer. And backup free agent center Harry "Big Stink" Merdaio improved three times, twice against the dribble while adding a big deny shot on 7 against the shot. Those improvements, plus the addition of free agent center Blob Dylan, led to the cutting of last season's top scorer and top rebounder, center Brother Jasper, who was immediately scooped up by Gillette to be their starter.

SEATTLE -- Guard Hilbee Juggleboy improves his passing froma 4 to a 5.

OKLAHOMA CITY -- All-MBA center Poop-Rupiah 3000 improves his passing from a 4 to a 5.

LOS ANGELES -- Forward Big Blue Bottle improves his passing skills twice, going from a 4 to a 6 and also improves against the dribble on defense from a 2 to a 3.

MILWAUKEE -- Both forwards, who were a key to a surprising playoff appearance last season, get strong improvements. Zippy Wunderslug ups his passing game from a 4 to a 5 and is now a 5 on defense against the pass, which will mean some steals will come his way. Fellow forward Scobee Bryant, who led the league in free throwing last season with a perfect 14 for 14, made his free-throw ability even better.

DALLAS -- Third-year guard Mini Carfartt, who will replace departed superstar Vicious Hick as the starting point guard, improved his passing ability from a 5 to a 6. 

NOTEWORTHY REGRESSIONS

PHILADELPHIA -- Team MVP, small forward Phillip Mianus, got worse against both the dribble and the pass, becoming a zero at the latter. 

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Veteran two guard Ol' Roy lost on-the-ball defensive abilities against both the dribble and the pass, resulting in a zero on the latter skill. And Hall of Fame forward Crentis Dentist took some four big hits, losing 2 points against the pass, downgrading his forced miss on 8 against the shot to a deny and cutting back on his tendency to take a short shot. He was immediately traded (see below). 

NOTEWORTHY CUT PILE DRAFT ADDITIONS

GILLETTE -- Desperate for a center, the Humps were able to grab Philadelphia's starting center Brother Jasper, who was the Phobia's top scorer and rebounder (see Philly improvements above). 

SAN JOSE -- Decimated by retirements and free agent wanderings, the Fighting Amigos snagged guard Old Man Mahoffer, who was immediately assigned to the two guard in the starting lineup. 

THE BIG TRADE

Only one trade so far, but it was a doozy.

Oklahoma City sent longtime star point guard and their top scorer King Czardines, along with Hall of Fame forward Crentis Dentist and promising second-year 7-1 backup center Hooza Goodboi to Seattle.

Seattle, in turn, sent the Lariats their longtime point guard Bellybutton Inquisition, veteran defensive power forward Kevin Duran-Duran and rookie forward Count Sackula.

Inquisition and Duran-Duran will be starters for Oklahoma City.

Czardines will man the point for the Stampede, but at this point it's unclear whether Goodboi or perennial backup Laughing Boy Lasso will start in the middle. Similarly, it's unknown whether Dentist will be starting at small forward or the number 1 rated rookie forward J.J. Pickle will beat the Hall of Famer out for the job.

FINAL NOTE: Only two of the 16 rookies...guards Mr. Poodie and Pete Gushi failed to make an MBA roster.

 

Season 57 MBA Draft Report

The Season 57 MBA draft started and finished heavily in favor of Tyler teams, with both available superstars (Dallas free agents Hall of Famer Juzan Djinn and league MVP and scoring champ Vicious Hick) both getting drafted by Tyler teams. 

The highlight for Tyler was Djinn returning to his home with the Dallas Demons, courtesy of the trade two seasons ago with Charleston that sent Kopi Luwak from Dallas to the Mountaineers. That trade gave Dallas rights to the first Charleston pick (which happened to be the second overall pick in the draft this season). As it turned out, the one in six chance for that pick to be a prime pick rolled the Demons' way. That made it a prime pick, in which the team doing the selecting names a player they are going after. They must then roll a 1 or 6 on one die. Tyler named Djinn, and the 33.3 percent chance went his way, so the five-time All-MBA star returned to Dallas.

Sacramento, which had the first pick in the entire draft, also rolled for and got a prime pick to start things out. They thus had shots at both Djinn and Hick, but had to name 10 different players before actually connecting on their man. 

Hick did not go until the 16th pick in the draft, where he was selected with a random roll by Los Angeles, where he will pair with another star guard, Pinky Toe.

With those picks, Los Angeles and Dallas became the most successful teams in the Season 57 Draft, with both being favorites to vie for the upcoming championship.

Add center Blob Dylan going from Gillette to Philadelphia, and Tyler teams got the concensus top three players in the drafrt.

Here's our ranking of how the teams fared in the draft.

1. Los Angeles

2. Dallas

a gap

3. Philadelphia

another gap

4. Sacramento

5. Oklahoma City

6. San Jose

7. Seattle

8. Gillette

9. Charleston

10. Milwaukee 

Philadelphia and Los Angeles both picked up two likely starters. Philly got both Dylan and the MVP of the Rookie Game, guard Mel A. Tonin. Los Angeles, nailed down Hick and rookie forward Rumpy Pumpy Lewis.

Every other team, with the exception of Milwaukee, picked up at least one projected starter. The Greyhounds may be forced to start rookie center pick Dave Cowhand, since he is their lone center at this time. 

The top 6 players in the draft went to:

-- Hall of Fame guard Juzan Djinn...returned to Dallas with 2nd pick as described earlier.

-- League MVP and scoring leader guard Vicious Hick went to Los Angeles with random pick 16.

-- Center Blob Dylan went to Philadelphia with pick No. 23, which was the fourth overall prime pick...Tyler hit on his first roll for Dylan.

-- Hall of Fame center Chochky Galumpkus went to San Jose with the 28th overall pick, which was the 8th prime pick. Dave hit on his first roll for Galumpkus. 

-- Two-time All-MBA center Johnny Bananas went to Oklahoma City with the fifth overall pick, a random pick, which was pretty much a waste since the Lariats' best player is All-MBA center Poop-Rupiah 3000.

-- Third-year guard Donny Dupons went to Los Angeles with pick No. 26, which turned into the 6th prime pick...Tyler got him on his second roll.He won't even start for them, since they have Hick and Toe.

NEXT UP: Player improvements (and regressions) followed by the Cut Pile draft to fill out the rosters.

 

Season 57 Rookie Game

 

ROOKIES 69, CUT PILE 61

ROOKIES OUTLAST CUT PILE BOYS

WAUKEGAN -- Season 57 rookies used a strong third quarter to build a 10-point lead going into the final frame on the way to a 69-61 triumph over the still win-less representatives from the cut pile.

   The dregs of the MBA fought valiantly in the fourth quarter, getting within three points of the Rookies, but just could not overcome paltry 39.6 percent shooting.

PLAYER OF THE GAME

31 GVP...The last rookie made in the 57th season crop, MEL A. TONIN, won game honors with a brilliant performance that included game-highs in both scoring and rebounding. SLEEPY started out like his nickname in the first half, accumulating just 4 points, but came on strong late to finish with 22 on 9 of 15 shooting, including 4 of 5 from the foul line. The 6-2 rookie demonstrated an uncanny knack for gathering rebounds, grabbing 9 caroms, including a couple over the cut pile's 7-foot center Dave Tesh. Tyler commented that Tonin could be Rookie of the Year if he lands on a team where he gets playing time, and Sleepy Mel justified that assessment in this outing.

Other 20-plus GVP performers

25 GVP...Cut pile guard Old Man Mahoffer...16 points...6 rebounds...3 assists.

20 GVP...Rookie forward Rumpy Pumpy Lewis...18 points...1 rebound...1 assist. 

NEXT UP: The 57th MBA Draft

 

Class of 57 Rookies Atrocious

 Let's not pull any punches. MBA franchise owners agree that this is the most appallingly repulsive class of rookies in memory.

The players with size have very little skills and the players with skills have no size. There doesn't look to be a Hall of Fame berth in any of the new guys' futures.

As you can see...the forwards lead the way in the talent department, which would be welcome in a league looking for fresh forward ability. But even the best forward, J.J. "Jack" Pickle has glaring rebounding and passing deficiencies, although he's projected to be a fine scorer.

Here's the breakdown according to Tyler's off-the-cuff rankings by position. (5 stars is best)

GUARDS

6-2 Mel A. Tonin "Sleepy"...3 stars

6-0 Lumpy Grits...2 stars

5-11 Mr. Poodie...2 stars

6-3 Peter Francis Geraci...2 stars

6-6 Dirt Mann...2 stars

6-2 President Comacho...1.5 stars

6-1 Pete Gushi...1.5 stars

FORWARDS

6-6 J.J. "Jake" Pickle...4.5 stars

6-7 Rumpy Pumpy Lewis...3.5 stars

6-9 Jack "Guzzler" Masterson...3 stars

6-5 Smirking Fuckface...2.5 stars

6-6 Cheech Aborte...2.5 stars

6-5 Count Sackula...2 stars

CENTERS

6-9 Doggie Barkinsons...2.5 stars

6-10 Krackey Krakatoa...2 stars

6-7 Dave Cowhand...2 stars

These guys will be taking on a team from the Cut Pile prior to the draft. Could the Cut Pile challenge for a change. It's dubious.

Season 57 Free Agents

DEMONS LOSE 2 SUPERSTARS

The prayers for breaking up the five-time defending champion Dallas Demons have apparently been answered as both All-MBA starting guards Vicious Hick and Juzan Djinn declared themselves free agents for the Season 57 draft.

Hick was the league-leading scorer and regular season MVP in Season 56 and Djinn, a Hall of Famer on track to become the best player in league history, was the Playoff MVP.

Seventeen players in all declared for free agency, with 8 of those players being starters. That means that, adding the 16 rookies, there will be 33 players in the upcoming draft...enough for three full rounds, with three teams getting a fourth player.

Only two teams; last-place Sacramento and Philadelphia, escaped unscathed in the free agent declarations. 

Six of the league's 10 teams lost valuable starters, with San Jose matching Dallas with two starters lost.

Dallas added the all-time championship ring winner Al A. Orden for a total of three free agents lost. Milwaukee and Gillette also contributed three. 

Three superb starting centers will be available in the draft as Hall of Famer Chochky Galumpkus leaves Seattle, Blob Dylan leaves Gillette (for the third time...they got him back twice) and Johnny Bananas departs Milwaukee after one season.

No matter what the caliber of incoming rookies, this upcoming draft will be well worth watching, thanks to the stars leaving their respective teams.

 

A LOOK AT LAST SEASON'S PREDICTIONS

Both Dave and Tyler got two correct in individual honors predictions. Each selected Juzan Djinn for All-MBA and Famichiki Whiskey for Rookie of the Year.

 ALL-MBA PREDICTIONS(from Dave)

Guard...Hall of Famer Juzan Djinn of Dallas

Guard...Rookie Famichiki Whiskey of Charleston

Center...Chochky Galumpkus of Seattle

Forward...Satan Israel of Sacramento

Forward...Hall of Famer Crentis Dentist of Oklahoma City

 

ALL-MBA PREDICTIONS (from Tyler)

Guard...Juzan Djinn, Dallas

Guard...Pinky Toe, Los Angeles

Center...Biggus Dickus, Dallas

Forward...Satan Israel, Sacramento

Forward...Erik A. Crocidale, Seattle

 

Actual All-MBA team

Guard…Juzan Djinn, Dallas

Guard…Vicious Hick, Dallas

Center…Poop-Rupiah 3000, Oklahoma City

Forward.Eddie “the Milkman” Creamer, San Jose

Forward.Piping Plover, Charleston

 

MVP Predictions

Center Chochky Galumpkus of Seattle (Dave)

Guard Pinky Toe of Los Angeles (Tyler)

 

Actual MVP

Vicious Hick, Dallas

 

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

Guard Famichiki Whiskey of Charleston (both Dave and Tyler)